Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Letters to nobody.

Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. 
But it's the simple dreams like ours that are often the most painful. You know why?
Because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable and achievable.
You're always close enough to touch them fleetingly, but never quite close enough to hold on to them, and that's enough to break your heart. 

I had lost you. The pain ripped me apart. My own words didn't make sense to me, then. Every night, I would hold my hands and legs together in a tight ball in bed, wishing I could disappear to a happy place where there wouldn't be any pain anymore. It almost felt like my entire body was hurting, hurting only because my heart was aching. Its the worst feeling I've ever felt. I just pray that this is something I never need to empathize with someone about. Because its one of the most excruciatingly painful things in the world.
So. After all the tears and hours of wasted thoughts, what was the lesson I learnt?
I learnt, that it's possible to go on. No matter how impossible it seems, it IS possible. And that with time, the grief and pain lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming anymore. I usually hate clichés but this one really does nail it:

Time heals all wounds.

This time last year,  I was dating and I was happy. What am I now?
A lazy student, a writer, a slacker, a senselessly angry teen, an amateur photographer, I'm just another tool that was screwed in a relationship. I'm all of these.
This is not me just venting out random thoughts. This not me trying to prove my point to the world. This definitely isn't me trying to get back what I can't.
This is me taking control from you, from the misery, from the God forsaken love which fades away, from the shit that's inevitable, from everything that I was made to believe in. This is me taking back control of my life.
I've come out of it, stronger than how you left me. And I'm proud.
I don't know whether love changes but people change. Circumstances change. You changed, and eventually I did too.
After you cruelly pushed me away I thought I'd never be able to forgive you for the kind of pain you caused me. But slowly, I found myself thinking about you and our whole relationship as an inconsequential part of my past. I don't know how it happened, but it did. And it felt good. And yes, I gradually found myself, forgiving and forgetting you. I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And though this is the way all stories unfold, sometimes I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever. But I guess that's the way it was meant to be. We can't alter or cover up whatever's already happened. But we can put it behind us and move on, and that's what I did. For me, like a dull wallpaper, You and I and blended into the background. And that, I can assure you, was the most liberating feeling ever. 


Talitha said...

Heya gal!
Found your blog while aimlessly blog-surfing and I hope you'll keep writing after you get over the breakup(And you will!).
Keep posting,I'll peep in soon!

Rahil Ansari said...

Hello Sulky Tofu Girl,
So, I'm going to risk my manhood and tell you this almost brought tears to my eyes. You've pieced this blog really well and the each word just seems to weave in with the other, seamlessly, like a huge band-aid, making everything better.
Hope you get through this.

Sulky Tofu Girl said...

Talitha, thanks a ton for those inspiring words. It means the world to me. And it's encouraging feedback like yours that keeps me going.
I'm over the whole break up now (Thank God!), But I will keep writing.
Much love♥

Rahil thank you for putting your manhood at stake for the sake of my blog. It always feels amazing to be appreciated for the work you do. And writing is therapy, isn't it?
Words. They have the power to make, break and change lives.
We must use them cautiously. And if someone is in pain, if we can, we must weave in words together, seamlessly, like a huge band-aid, making everything better. :)

]{.(. said...

Inconsequential? :) Well you wrote this note to 'nobody'. Maybe that nobody hasn't read it. But there are others who have and will, and I'm sure they will find solace in it. I think you manage to twist their boxed pain into catharsis, and have helped them with THEIR consequences. That matters, and to me this is actually a letter to everybody.
Your writing is beautifully catalytic.
Live proud, write on. :)

Sulky Tofu Girl said...

You're right. It wasn't inconsequential. Not in the least.
It shaped me into who I am today.
I know how it’s like to be on the edge. To feel like you are worthless and that you won’t be missed or loved, ever. And I knew I wasn't alone which propelled me to write this blog entry.
Thank you so much.I appreciate your insight tremendously.
I've only just started to find the time to write, although I have been wanting to for many years, so your feedback was really lovely and inspirational. Thanks again! :D

]{.(. said...

Anytime :)

Anonymous said...

This strikes a chord with me too.
A month ago, my girlfriend of two years left me for her co-worker. I was shattered.
But you're right. Everything happens for a reason and time heals all wounds.
After reading about your story I've got the inspiration to fight through my misery too,and for that, thank you.
Hope you find all the happiness in the world. You deserve it.
Great blog.

]{.(. said...

Good luck! I'm sure you'll come out stronger!

Anonymous said...

It's funny how just one person suddenly comes into your life, makes everything better and suddenly decides to walk away and just leaves you there without anything left.
Well sometimes, they have a reason to walk away.It maybe the mistakes made, the things done or even the things said. What's worse is that just a little mistake according to you probably hurts the one you love in the worst way possible. No, it's not your fault. To walk away isn't easy either. I'm sure he loved you and you did too, but sometimes the wounds couldve been much deeper if they had decided to stay. They might have not want to leave willingly but they may have been forced to, yet again by the things done or the things said. Well that's what I think but I hope you're through it now :). You write really well, keep it up :).

Nishant said...

Certain cliches have this habit of making sense only when your brain is gooey enough to be receptive to them. The reason this one works is probably because it's just too draining to feel something with such intensity for so long. Evolution? Plain old 'gotta let go to survive'? Whatever it may be, its a good mechanism to have in the armory to allow for a recommencement in the incessant trudge along the timeline. Because if there's one thing time cant stand, it's stagnation. It does everything in its power to kick you off your butt to prevent you wallowing in a moment that's been forgotten by the present.
But what this essentially does is that it allows for introspection, detachment from that sliver of time, and freedom to take an experience, tilt it ever so slightly, so that the next time you look at it, it's still the same, but it's not really. The emotions and all associated fuzz has been collected and discarded leaving a clean event that can be experienced more critically after being pulled out of a predisposition.
It may not be the most efficient, or painless scheme, but it certainly works for setting free old irons so that we may roll on once more.

PS. Discovered your twitter today. You have a new fan. Would love to connect further, it's not everyday you come across an interesting enough personality in an increasingly superficial and one dimensional world

Tangled Tofu said...

I'm sure it wasn't easy for the person who walked away either. But I don't think he realizes the extent of damaged caused. To himself, or to other people.
Sometimes the people abandoned deserve it, sometimes they don't.
The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we've done, or that's been done to us. Sometimes it catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see, or we can't even muster up the strength to mention.
Whatever it is, I want you to know it always heals.
I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of a year. And I believe, that despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary in the past, we will all be okay.
Thank you for reading it. :)

PS. Still secretly hoping for you to spill the beans on your side of the story. Blockbuster novel, remember? :P

Tangled Tofu said...

I can't even begin to tell you how much I agree with you.
You had me at, "Because if there's one thing time cant stand, it's stagnation."
Fresh starts. Thanks to the calender they happen every year.
But, it's not really just a day on a calender. Not a birthday, or a new year, not even an anniversary. It's an event, big or small, anything that changes us. Ideally something that gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember, that amid all the crap are a few things worth really holding onto. So, thank you. Your insight made me smile. Your writing makes me happy.

And right back at you! :)
Brb now, I need to stalk your Twitter timeline some more.

Nishant said...

Fresh starts come with a catch. They require you to change your reality. And by reality I mean your perception of something. This doesn't usually happen with the packaged deals like a new year or a birthday that promise change, but actually end up leading to a superficial and strained 'newness'. You change something on a new years day, thinking the day is in some way different since you've been indoctrinated into thinking of it as special, but what you haven't really changed is your outlook on that particular thing you want to change. What you really need is a fresh look on a on worn out thought. The one that that's sucked you into it's little vortex, sat there and spun you around until all thats left is a threadbare remnant of reality, which is a crappier version of what the situation actually was.
The only way out of this is to change your mindset on an issue, and your mindset is actually your reality. The only reason there are disagreements at all is because two people look at something in a different way. The 'something' is a constant. The only variable here is the perception of it. And everybody has their own reality, which means that reality itself is subjective, and hence malleable. So the goal here is, I think to mold your opinion into something that makes you happier, which ought to be the ultimate goal of everything, right? The choice here is either being right ( ie what YOU perceive as right) or changing your definition of right, which we now know is pliable, and therefore reaching an agreement which probably leads to being happier? Far easier said than done of course.

As a side note, the side effects of changing up your perception of reality to suit your every little whim can either make you happy….or an absolute nut job.

Raj Chawla said...

Woah. This is intense, dude.
You seem like such a different person today. Happier. More radiant. Beautiful.
I don't really know how the loss of a loved one feels, so I can't speak for myself. But um, sounds pretty painful. So glad you're out of it.

Tangled Tofu said...

Haha, I am different, today.
Old wounds teach us things. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. Old memories just become scars, eventually. Like secret roadmaps of our personal histories.
So, yeah. I'm different today.
Happier. More radiant. :)

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